Calling all siblings and parental units
Okay, everyone, I am in need of some advice that might help me step away from what I perceive to be best for me to decide what's best for my boys. Here is the scenario... I have applied to Syracuse University to work for my PhD. Ken and I want to move back towards Camden so I am closer to SU and he is next to work. Both of us driving over an hour and 15 minutes twice a day doesn't work in any scenario in my head. So...
Scenario 1: I have the boys during the week Monday through Thursday or Friday and bring them up so Jessic and Tammy can see them on the weekends, encouraging Jessic to drive them back on Monday's to Camden Elementary so he can speak with teachers if he'd like. I would be around for the education afterschool needs more this way, and also would make sure I'm available holidays and snow days, but would miss more of the 'just play' time. As an educator, this feels more natural for me, but would mean moving the boys from a district they are comfortable in, where they can see Aunt Sonya and cousins regularly. I would be moving studying time to weekends to juggle everything.
Scenario 2: Jessic and Tammy have the boys Monday through Thursday, and I would ask him to drop them off on Friday. I would have them weekends, bringing them to school Monday mornings which offers me the time to touch base with teachers and so on before flying to school. Adds driving time, but oh well - the little snots are worth it. This leaves afterschool needs in Jessic's court with little from me, leaving me study time during the week after classes. I would do whatever I could to leave weekends for the boys. I get play time, and can do some reading and project work with them, but it feels like I would be having them for less time.
Problems I can see - Jessic will want Scenario 2 as he works Friday and Saturday nights and sees no reason to alter that. He will most likely balk at having to drive them anywhere and will insist I do the driving both ways.
If I go with Sceanrio 2, I will indeed feel as if I have lost valuable school time with them, and I worry they will feel I 'abandoned them' for school work of my own. I will also want them all weekend, which does feel like I've stolen Jessic's play time with them - when will he do outings with them? Is that really my concern?
I want Scenario 1 because I feel that being a mom means doing homework and tucking into bed to get ready for school the next day, but is moving them to a new school the best thing for them when I could suck it up and have them every weekend and be a mom that way? Any advice is welcome - I can't separate what's best for me from what will truly be best for them - so bring the comments on ;-)
posted by Tyna @ 3:02 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Tyna
Well sis. Please remember you asked for this advice - and that I love you - otherwise I wouldn't be so honest :)
Okay. I think that it is fabulous that you want to go back to school. However, you are a mother and I do think that that has to take top dog. So I think you need to be prepared for Jessic to say NO to both scenarios. (i couldn't tell from your blog if you already asked him or not).
I think your right. From a parent stand point scenario number one is better for you - which also makes it better for Jessic. Which means either way one parent loses - and so do the kids.
And if I were Jessic, I might honestly say too bad for you. Not to be mean hon - but it is a possibility I think you have to consider. He is in lowville in part soley because of those two boys and because that is your custody agreement. He has made adjustment's to his career goals as well, to stay in lowville. So being half of the parent team I think he also has the right to refuse. Sucky scenario number 3 - but something you need to consider.
Anywho - I guess I was just trying to throw it out there. I am sorry if it was hard to hear, but ... thats what sucks I suppose of having an honest (to a fault sometimes :) sister. I cannot give you any more advice that that. Just be prepared to say no to syracuse AT THIS TIME if it is not going to work for the boys and Jessic. Because as much as you want it to work for you, It has to work for them too.
Well that was heavy!! On a lighter note matt and I heard that baby's heartbeat - nice and strong. And we have a 3-d sonogram scheduled for 23rd of january.
Love to all.
Tonya
Oh - and a scenario 4 came to mind. Unfortuantely - a long commute for both Ken and you. Sucko I know, but if Jessic & they boys agree, and you still want to go back to school - it might be the only arrangement that will work. Sorry I promise to more comments. (at least today hehehe)
Tonya - Actually, I can't make driving back and forth from Carthage work because I can't make it back in time on my current days to pick them up from daycare by 4:00, which is the daycare's closing time... so commuting won't work.
Jessic and I had always agreed to attempt to be supportive of each other if we wanted to advance ouselves - when he wanted to switch jobs, he asked me to change custody days to make that work for him, and I was completely supportive. I know this is different because it takes me farther away - but I do want the chance to see if I'm capable of this, and what it could offer in my future and the boys' future...
Divorce is never an easy choice with the boys, but we spilt time now, and I know the boys have adjusted to that, does splitting time in a different way have to be detrimental to them?
Tyna,
Unlike Tonya I won't throw a warning at you before jumping into this. I do not know what you and Jessic have arranged now for a parenting plan but it is unfair to Jessic to take him out of the Monday thru Thursday routine. Just like you wanting to read to your kids, help them with their homework, and tuck them in Jessic may have the same desire and with out a doubt has the same right. Scenario #2 doesn't work for me as a Dad because now I don't have any of the "play time" either. The desire to achieve specific goals in life requires sacrifice on all parts. A problem is you need Jessic to sacrifice to make it easier for you to obtain your goal. Danger the following is not for the faint of heart, please remove all children and dainty women prior to reading. THAT IS NOT HIS JOB ANYMORE. If you look at this from Jessic's perspective I imagine he will be thinking this: I moved to New York for my wife, I changed my life for my wife, my wife left me because I wasn't good enough, now she wants me to help her so she can do something. F**k that! Okay now before you go off the handle I did not say the above was an actualy depiction of the truth and what transpired. I said that is what I imagine Jessic will be thinking. You have to sit down with Jessic and explain to him what is going on and ask him what works best for him, and what works best for you boys. Ultimately it may be a varaition of Scenario #1 and #2, a version you will not like. Jessic gets the boys Mon-Thur and alternating weekends. That does not leave a lot of time for you with the kids but you are the one choosing to change the arrangement. Goals require sacrifice and the only person in this equation that you can expect to sacrifice is you and Ken. You don't want to have to have the Kids sacrifice, and you can't expect Jessic to sacrifice. THATS NOT HIS JOB ANYMORE. So what is the answer. I didn't give you one, I gave you a lot more questions. Do you want to move the kids? I believe that answer is no? You moved to New York to surround them with family, moving them defeats that purpose. My suggestion is sit down with Jessic and communicate until a solution presents itself. Prior to that conversation prepare yourself for a solution that seems unfair to you. You are the one choosing to pursue this goal, which I believe to be admirable, but because it is your choice you have to except the brunt of the sacrifice. I love you sis.
Tyna
I am sure that you are getting a little more "brotherly" and "sisterly" advice than you bargained for. That's what you get for saying, "Bring it on!" Did ya forget that we are all honest to a fault :~)
I noticed your blog earlier, but I haven't had the chance to respond (or, rather, the time to carefully word my response).
I applaud your desire to go back to school. Many of us want to better ourselves and find out just how far that we can go. I am no exception ... my most recent endeavor in higher education can certainly attest to that. When I chose to make that move, I had many of the same questions that you do. Most importantly, "How will my pursuit effect my children?"
And effect them, it certainly has. I spent a great deal of time reading and working on college during our family free time. Although I swore that I wouldn't and that I would work at night when they were sleeping, the work at times was simply more than I can handle in that way. There were honestly times when Allie would cry and say, "I just want my regular Mommy back." It all but broke my heart. However, I knew that with time, all of my hard work would impact not only myself, but my family, in a very positive way.
However, as similar as my situation is, it is just as different. Your family dynamics are different than mine. I was able to work at home; that isn't possible for you.
You are clearly in a sticky situation. I understand your desire to meet this goal ... I really do!
You ask, "Does splitting time in a different way have to be detrimental to them?" None of us have crystal balls to peek into the future and see how the boys will handle these changes. However, changes can be difficult for little ones. Being a bit of a doting aunt, I have to admit to worrying how they would adjust to a new school and a new custody arrangement. But that is just natural. Clearly you have some concerns or you wouldn't be asking for our opinions.
I know that you aren't really looking for answers from us. Because the answers to your questions aren't in our blogs. The answers are in your heart. A hokey answer I know! But a truthful one. This is your life. And as much as you want our approval, it isn't us that you have to look at in the mirror ... that's you. It won't be us whose lives will be most affected ... it will be your boys! You need to search your heart for what is right ... not by your siblings' standards ... but by your own. Remember that old five-year adage of mine, "In five years, what will matter more ..." Pray about it!
On one last note ... (Did I hear an audible sigh of relief?) I think that you really need to talk to Jessic. It isn't for any of us to decide which scenario will work better ... that's for you and Jessic to figure out. Although it will be a very difficult conversation to have, I think the earlier that you have it, the better for both of you. This is a really big deal and he will need some think time ... just like you are taking now.
Remember that whichever road you choose to follow, I will be here to love and support you.
Hugs - Sonya
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